But as to myself, having been wearied out for many years with offering vain, idle, visionary thoughts, and at length despairing of success, I fortunately fell upon this proposal, which as it is wholly new, so it hath something solid and real, of no expense and little trouble, full in our own power, and whereby we can incur no danger in disobliging England. – Jonathan Swift
In the interest of our country, I would like to use Mr. Swift’s proposal from years past as a new model for dealing with the ever-growing racist problem in our own country, the solution of which would also benefit the impoverished minorities and rich elites simultaneously. According to the Census Bureau, of the 37.3 million total Americans in poverty in 2020, 15.9 million of them are from White, non-LatinX lineage. The 8.5 million Black and 10.4 million LatinX individuals in poverty are obviously feeling the racial inequities placed on them by having to bow to the overwhelming presence of the White poor whose only contributions to our culture can be seen on Sunday afternoons at religious gatherings and NASCAR events.
This proposal, after observing these hideous discrepancies in the number of the poor, would help to alleviate several of our nation’s problems seemingly overnight. We could rid ourselves of much of the egregious culture war battles over language, make Twitter great again, and provide Mark Zuckerberg with well-deserved vacation time away from having to steal and maintain so much data. This magic solution? Eating babies. Poor White babies. Non-LatinX babies.
Go with me on this…
If we began farming poor White children, which make up a sizable portion of our population with no real contributions, we could take care of food insecurities among the poor Blacks and Hispanics…I mean LatinX (sorry AOC ). We would remove NASCAR from our vocabulary. We would finally get rid of the South. We would have access to thousands of empty Churches that we could use for housing and feeding the homeless minorities. And we would never have to worry about Republicans again. We could even address the unspeakable genocidal practices on Native Americans (which we delicately pretend is NOT happening year in and year out) by allowing them to take back…err…reclaim…no, not reclaim…by allowing the evolutionary process of free migration into the South once the poor Whites are gone. We don’t want the South anyway, so it makes sense that we let the Native Americans have it…at least until we discover something we want and we can then kick them back out. That land belongs to Amazon, after all.
Speaking of Amazon, we could also help remove the threat of an economy influenced by Amazon workforces by removing their very workforce. Small business and mom and pop stores would thrive, giving politicians a new set of talking points and new ways to steal, I mean, raise money.
The Democrats would have full control so they could really unleash the power of doing nothing for the people since, let’s face it, they only really care about their elite friends and look down on the entire poor class as deplorable. Removing the poor Whites would help them financially in campaign expenses since they wouldn’t have to spend so much money pointing out how gun happy Midwestern Republicans are the reason why kids in the streets are shooting each other. And they could openly take money from the NRA instead of pretending not to.
I give you now a detailed list of positives that this plan could afford us all who live with no fear of where our own meals are coming from:
First: Environmental concerns over cow farts and pig shit would be diminished as, thanks to cheap beer, the amount of poor White babies will continue indefinitely and provide a seamlessly endless supply of inventory for meat. Mr. Swift, in his original proposal for England, noted that children should be around fourteen years old at most. I would like to propose three-year-olds for faster turnover rates in inventory. Waiting for them to turn fourteen would be an impossible waste of time in a culture of instant gratification.
Second: Housing these means of production would be rather simple as trailer parks have already been established and government regulations over them would be quite easy to implement as the ideal factory (trailer park) would consist of one drunk poor white male and thirty poor white women. The only real governmental engagement would be an officer who would patrol and check on each factory to make sure that the white drunk man is copulating with as many of the women as possible, something they already are programmed to do. Overhead would be low as the women would only need Ramen, canned goods, and potato chips which can all be found already in large supply at food banks. The men would only need hamburger helper and, as noted before, plenty of cheap beer. The funding for this can be allocated from the current welfare programs that they are using now, and it is assumed that a re-distribution of these very funds will give those of us who critically desire some labor out of the free money we are currently paying them some sense of accomplishment while we vacation in the Hamptons or Aspen.
Third: Education expenses would be better distributed since we would not have to educate these children. At three years of age, they wouldn’t need any kind of pre-school, daycare, or K-12 education. The student debt crisis would also be taken care of as they would not have to go to Community College for six years to complete a partial two-year degree before transferring to a university for five more years before not completing a four-year degree.
Fourth: Debt would be almost completely eliminated as an entire class of borrowers who have no real power to borrow would not have to borrow any more. Foreclosures would all but disappear, and those that remained would be easily taken care of as a surplus of credit would be available due to the poor Whites being removed from the equation leaving poor Blacks and LatinX to use it.
Fifth: Guns would not be a problem any more as the poor Whites would not have bunkers anymore. In fact, the second amendment would be useless as poor Whites wouldn’t need it.
Sixth: The obesity epidemic that is currently being ignored under a guise of “fat shaming” would be taken care of since poor Whites wouldn’t be around to eat cheap junk food that they can barely afford and get fat with diabetes.
Seventh: The rich elites would be able to live life not having to recognize or worry about the rural populations. Because we would let the Native Americans take over the South, the elite class can now pretend that the South doesn’t exist much in the same way that they pretend reservations don’t exist today.
Eighth: Urban violence would diminish because poor Whites wouldn’t be around to hate and blame any more.
Ninth: White privilege would be a thing of the past since poor Whites and their privileged way of life barely making rent, creating unnecessary burdens on our health system through diabetic and opioid issues, increasing our domestic violence crisis, resurrecting Nazi and KKK cultures that infect every aspect of our culture that keeps our great country mired in racist ideologies, keeping Walmart, Amazon, and Fox News in the black, holding back Nashville from truly modernizing and becoming the Hollywood of the east, not recycling because its hippy bullshit, and obvious elite status that the term “white trash” carries with it would be gone.
Tenth: We wouldn’t have to worry about Republicans anymore and Tucker Carlson would be out of a job, because that’s what is important.
Here’s the punchline to all of this: if we start farming poor whites and remove them from having power in our culture, most if not all of our problems would be solved as they wouldn’t be around to hinder the minorities from being recognized by the elite class, they wouldn’t be around to stop us from addressing our environment, they wouldn’t be around to waste all of our money, they wouldn’t be around to shop at Walmart or watch Fox News, they wouldn’t be around to force religion on all of us, they wouldn’t be around to go deer hunting, they wouldn’t be around to tell us that the South will rise again, and they wouldn’t be around to represent any kind of other perspective to our culture since any perspective that is not part of the North Eastern elite ideology is flat wrong.
I propose this as a possible solution and ask that if anyone else has a better alternative to offer it as well. Dialogue about how to fix our culture is important and knowing where the problem lies is what will get us to a place where we can recognize the core and fix it. I think the poor White class, which represents nearly 16 million people in our country, more than any other demographic of the poor (nearly twice the amount of poor Blacks), is that core problem. Since we as a nation refuse to deal with all 37 million who live in poverty, addressing the poor White population issue and removing their economic power will lower the amount of poor and eliminate the racial discriminations that the poor Whites contribute to.
I think it makes total sense.